CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
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