I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
