I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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