and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
