I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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