this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
