Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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