I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
