so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
