i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
