Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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