cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
