I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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