The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
