5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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