Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
