We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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