saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
