i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
