How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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