You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
