Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I think I sprained my soul last night
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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