I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
