I wish my penis had an off switch
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize