We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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