Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
