I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
