i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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