You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I touched a dick in church today
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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