I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
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