Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
