She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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