I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
