At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
