is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
