Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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