I'm so fucking centered right now
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
