I am midnight drunk by noon
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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