When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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