I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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