You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
As shirtless as possible
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
