that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
