new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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