Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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