Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
