Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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