I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize