Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
