I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
My ATM looks so different sober.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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