Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
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