Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
