you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
