I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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