Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
