I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
