There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize