I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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