Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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