If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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