I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
