one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
