my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Randomize
