im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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