He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
