I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize